Wednesday, February 9, 2011


if you have to compromise who you are and what you stand for, it isn't worth it.
i want to say i regret everything, but i don't. i have learned so much about myself and what i want. also, i'm living with no regrets anyway. it's against my beliefs to say i regret it.
in english we did a writing exercise, and i defined the "perfect man." a.k.a. what i want in a guy. what was the first thing on the list?
expectations are high.
and that's why i'm excited for the future. because things will change.
today i took out the red lipstick. remember a previous post? i'm making a statement. not a half-hearted one like the last time. this time i am proving it. it symbolizes my individuality. i'm not becoming a feminist or anything; i just now understand that a guy doesn't define me. i need to focus on myself for a while. oh, and god. because my heavenly father is my number one priority. after that, my family, who i turned against me but now we're beginning to trust, and then myself.
i want to say thanks to all the friends that have been supporting me and for the many, many compliments.
to jenna and kelsey. always there for me.
and jo. always listening.
to the "mailman" / delivery boy.
to the amazing people at work, even the ones quitting.
to the former paper boy who can't grow facial hair.
to the democrat in my journalism class.
to the girl that asks "what would you do if...?"
to the man cheerleader.
to the other delivery boy who already made a move.
to the swimmer who is quite fabulous at handstands.
to the former relief society president's daughter and present bishop's daughter.
to the unexpected friends in choir.
to a former boyfriend at lone peak.

Monday, January 24, 2011

the frustrations that follow me everywhere

unrelated: i love these pictures.
listen to: "us" by regina spektor

honestly, i have come to the point that i don't care what they think anymore.
they can yell at me.
they can hate my friends.
they can accuse me of lying.
they can be disappointed.
they can threaten to call somebody's mother [which is such a lame thing to do].
it's their choice.

so many emotions are wasted here.

i don't want to worry about what they think.
i don't want to overanalyze my "disappointing behavior."
so i'm not going to.

the changes i've been going through and my personal spirituality is my business. me and the lord.
so why do they pry?
it's none of their business.
they lost the power to tell me what to do when they stopped caring, stopped asking. when they shoved someone to stand inbetween us.

here's my pep talk to myself:
your character is defined when you're put into a bad situation.
it's not always your choice. you didn't put those words into their mouths. you didn't raise their blood pressure. you didn't cause their veins to protrude from their face.
that's their choice.
but what are you going to do because of it?
become sour, pissy, emotional...
or grow.

Monday, January 17, 2011

what i've learned from the bachelor

it's okay for one guy to date twentyfive girls, and make out with basically every one of them.
actually, that makes the guy way more attractive to those women.
actually, you can have a show doing that.

you can be from salt lake city utah and be a complete biotch.
actually, when someone is having a deep one-on-one conversation, stand there. watch them.

even though you're in a room full of about onehundred dresses, pick the ugliest one. it's okay. all of those dresses were completely adorable. if i were there, i would have definitely picked the one that made you look like you have no body. also, your boobs were sagging a bit.

call a guy "your man" and get jealous when anyone is with him for five seconds alone because he is "your man" even though you are competing with twentyfour other girls for one man.

they drink a lot on the bachelor. they drink in the pool all the time. i think that is so odd.

bullcrap a conversation with him. talk about how you are doing this for your kid or something, even though you just said on national television that you want to "practice making babies" with him.
but you're there for your kid.
and then complain about not getting a rose. because that conversation was definitely deep enough to earn that rose - especially when you made out seventyfive percent of the time.

they cry a lot on the bachelor.

when a guy asks a girl about yourself, answer, "i'm just like everybody else."
that will for sure make you stand out.
that will for sure make you win the competition.

be one of the twentyfive girls that actually get to be on the bachelor.
and then don't accept the rose.
just to put a twist on it, make that the second rose ceremony.

when there is one rose left, it is crucial for the host-guy to come back into the room to announce that there is one rose left.
pretty sure none of the girls are blind.

these are super ironic and sarcastic, but there really is one thing that i've really learned from this show.
the bachelor makes you obsessed.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

to everyone:

if you saw that terrible picture that was put on my blog, i am extremely sorry.
i have no idea how it got there and i am now taking extreme precautions when i use images from the web.
thanks to terry and cassa for notifying me.
i am so sorry everyone!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

perspective is everything

i'm happy.
it's like a huge relief to say that. it makes me want to cry i'm so relieved. a huge weight is off my shoulders. and i don't even know what i did to get that weight off. but i really can't blame anybody for that; it was my own fault. i was the weight.

i love serious talks. where people speak their heart to you. i've had a lot of good talks with friends lately. and they've been so sincere that i can't help but get emotional. especially if it's a really great guy who shows me his sensative side. he's changed my life, my attitude. [to him: sorry about those things i said]

i really appreciate all those who love me and care for me enough to tell me that they only want me to be happy and that i should be treated like a queen. you boosted my self confidence when i didn't know how to.

with all of this support i've been given, people have been influencing me so much to the point that when i had to make a hard decision, i was persuaded to do what they wanted. and ya know what, i didn't do what you wanted me to do. i still don't know if that was the "right" choice, but i listened to myself. realized it wasn't what i wanted. so now i'm just living happy.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

i learn to live half alive

an analogy:
i wake up every day hopeful. but as the days go on, my hopes are crashed. by potholes.
i'm in a relationship with these potholes. i walk down the road, going around the potholes, planning everything i do and planning all my actions around the potholes.
these potholes control my life, but i'm fine because i love the potholes. but it takes two to make a relationship work.

it just gets a bit depressing...the potholes don't care what i do. of course they don't; they're inanimate objects. they don't care that i walk around them. they don't care that they are leading me down a lonely road of holes in the road.

eventually i am led to a dead end.
hope is gone.
i'm alone.
among the inanimate potholes.

and i don't know what to do. i can't step in the potholes. they wouldn't even care...they're filled with rain and dirt and mud and they're concerned with other things. anything but me.
i don't have the courage to actually step in the potholes anyway. i'm scared that i'll get wet. i'm scared that the rain is really boiling water and will jump up at me. i don't want to scar my face, my self esteem, again with angry rainwater.

it's happened before. i've knelt by the potholes, filling them with my tears, pleading.
they don't listen. once again, inanimate objects. if they are listening, they don't do anything about it. they can't. inanimate. they are apathetic to my worries.

so i walk. hope to be courageous. hope for understanding.
but hope is drained.

make the connection yourself.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

why girls watch chick flicks

i just watched this movie last night for the first time with jenna and kels. and from the beginning to the end, you should have seen our faces. we were so confused. at one point i started to get it. we even paused it so i could explain it. but then, i completely lost it. it just got more and more confusing.

after watching it, i asked a guy some questions. and he went off about how he doesn't understand why girls say, i'm going to have to see it again. so many things were unanswered. because apparently he understood it the first time.

and i was like, suck. i'm one of those girls. even when i woke up this morning and tried to rethink everything, i still did not understand. my mind is all jumbled up. and i'm pretty sure its the same for jenna and kels.

this is honestly why girls watch chick flicks. its the same plot every time. directors rarely add anything new or interesting because it would just confuse the girls that watch them. boys, on the other hand, actually understand movies like inception. girls just can't.